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12 November 2005 @ 06:07 pm
This may just be the Martini talking but I've recently discovered that in all of our many moments of tiny infamy comes an immense amount of satisfaction. And in those small strides to self bettermeant there is also satisfaction to be found. And even if it appears to others that your strides are made purely in vain regardless it feels right to you. In the box things always look better than they appear on the outside. The satisfaction only comes from the lesson that those on the outside of the box and their opinions, assumptions, accusations, ideals, and persecutions don't really matter. Actually they don't matter at all. They are worthless in workings of your life. And once you throw your arms in the air and yell out a huge "fuck you" you're surrcoming to their demands from the outside. You're inside. Stay there. Stay in your right nows. Stay in your tomarrows and your yesturdays. You need not travel to theirs and you need not be upset when they knock on yours. Let them knock. Let them knock till their hearts content, what they have to say...is not worth the walk to the door.

Thats self satisfaction. Thats self glory. You know what? Fuck. Thats just plain glory.

One small step for self one giant leap for humanity.

hahahaha. Seriously though. Theres truth. And theres much more meaning to it than just Martini talk. Trust me. You don't matter anymore. You're thoughts don't matter anymore.
God this morphine does me good. Does me soooo much good. And ahhhh this brilliant Martini.
This is real peace. This is real satisfaction.

Say what you will but I'm not answering the door, ever again.

Feeling very: contentcontent
I hope you’re not intending
To be so condescending
It’s as much as I can take
And you’re so independent
You just refuse to bend
So I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away
I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting

I’ve made a commitment
I’m willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Can’t you just forgive me
I don’t want to relive all the mistakes
I’ve made along the way

But I always find a way
To keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
To keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
We always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If I chose to walk away
Would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep me right here waiting

11/3/05. Mallory grew up a little. About time.
More profound then it appears, trust me.
18 years of being a baby, took a couple of insightful lyrics and an amazing guy to show the error of my ways.

Its relationship time for this gal. Fingers crossed. For not only me...but more for him. ha. This possibly being the first one...I won't deny that I'm not scared, but I certainly picked a good one.

I love it.


*exhale* Such satisfaction in being so mature for the first time.
Feeling very: excitedexcited
Lovin the: Bob Marley
02 November 2005 @ 09:22 am
"If I were a historical figure I'd be: Adolf Hitler" So I could have you murdered. Something just feels right. Growing up is fun and although we still hide behind our charades and aims we're still growing up. Sure, you can call it a volcano. Thats fine. We're building something here. I can count on you for everything. Neat. I like where I am right now. Because I think I've found the one thing that just for a second makes me realize that I'm alive. <3 ...neat. ps. the hitler thing...not a joke. I'd kill you if i could. :D
Feeling very: amusedamused
Lovin the: Frank Sinatra
25 October 2005 @ 01:29 pm
Laguna Beach fans should probably worship me. Hot dang. Its a fact. I'm Ahh-mazing. For reasons that you will understand later.

20 October 2005 @ 07:28 pm
I see trees of green, red roses too. I see them bloom for me and you. And I think to myself...what a wonderful world. I see skies of blue and clouds of white the bright blessed day the dark say goodnight. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world. The colors of the rainbow; so pretty in disguise. Are also on the faces of people goin by. I see friends shakin hands, saying how do you do. They're really saying I love you. I hear babies crying; I watch them grow. They'll learn much more then I'll ever know. And I think to myself what a wonderful world. Yes I think to myself...What a wonderful world.

"Find something that causes you to realize for one split second in time that you are alive."

Yea, that.
I find a lot of things through out the day, I've never really payed attention...but yea, that is suffient enough. One second in time. Thats all you need.


"You never know what you have until you loose it." *chuckle*
Feeling very: happyhappy
Lovin the: Ray Charles
18 October 2005 @ 07:40 pm
And my imgination will feed my hungry heart. Leave me one thing before we part...a kiss to build a dream on.

Why is that that I've lost the one person I felt 100% comfort with? The one guy that I could truly be myself with? I honestly could not tell you what happened. Seriously. Just today in reading his profile and being somewhat jealous/curious I poked around and I felt bad for doing so. Ugh. I really just don't understand things sometimes. I understand that everything happens for a reason but was that really the hand we were delt? a month of amazing and then nothing? That doesn't seem right. I don't know. Those few weeks seem like ages ago and that shouldn't be the case. I really just don't understand it at all.

And to tell you the truth the only thing I do understand is that I miss him.


I don't even know what to think anymore. At all.
Feeling very: nauseatednauseated
Lovin the: Ray Charles - Kiss to build a dream on
16 October 2005 @ 08:08 pm
Okay so she was just a small town girl, livin' in a loney world. She took the midnight train goin' anywhere...He was just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit. He took the midnight train goin' anywhere.

What a classic band, songs just aren't that in sync with greatness anymore. The classics brah, the classics. Me oh my. I'm just a girl born and raised on Melloncamp and Springstein. Just a girl that rocked to Acdc instead of run dmc.

Fucking classic rock. THOSE lyrics can be meaningful. I've pondered Ian's bet since he made it and I am bound and determined to find a lyric that is so vitally important and more meaningful. (at least to me) and no Lennon lyrics will not be used.

Give me a few days with my journey albums; I'll find something.
*sidenote* would george michael get the job done? "But I gotta think twice, before I touch ya body, you know not everybody has body like you." No? Not so much?

Ohh maybe clapton can help or better yet pavorotti, give me a week or two to translate them to english and i know i'll win. ha.

Actually, Ava Maria makes me cry everytime...and I don't know a lick of italian. Hmm.

Newsflash: I spent the entire weekend by myself...and loved every single second of it.

This entry was beyond retarded.

oh well.


My newly developed tradition of posting a random hard to decode secret at the bottom of every entry starts now: .....Part of me wishes you'd get a damn wake up call and realize you're not that special.
Feeling very: tiredtired
Lovin the: Journey
Yeaaa soooo uhhhhhhhhhh,
I read a quote on my starbucks cup today that caught my eye. I was amused and it really did make me smile."Embrace this right now life while it's dripping, while the flavors are excellently woesome. Take your bites with bravery and boldness sine the learning and the growing are here in these times, these exact right nows. Capture these times. Hold and kiss them because it will soon be very different." - Jill Scott.

How incredibly deep for a paper cup.

Maybe the things I once thought were so vital to me were actually the things I could easily live without. The defense and the explinations aren't needed anymore. The explination as to why things are the way they are isn't something I hunger for anymore. It's the right nows that I need to be concerned with and I'm afraid I've been missing some of those. I've lived in the past for a while now and its time to leave that, for good. I say that everytime but something just goes down to the bone on this one. Acceptence. Ha. Maybe Mrs. Baratian was right.
I shouldn't be living for explinations and reasons, thats not what its all about and at the risk of sounding incredibly cliche, none of that really matters anyway.
Life doesn't revolve around me. In all actuality I sometimes don't even feel like I fit in just perfectly. So no, I don't think everything is about me. If you actually knew me you would know that I'm completely oblivious to 99.9 % of things that concern me. I have no clue even when I'm blatantly involved. So when I read stuff like that its just weird. It makes me giggle. And I don't get defensive anymore. I don't yell and scream and call you names. I just giggle, because I know the truth. It doesn't hurt me anymore.
It was another misunderstanding and I guess I should start using Pronouns in my lj entries because people have a way of misconstruing them. But I don't think I will. I know who I'm talking about. Its not needed. This is for me, afterall.

Going on vacation tomarrow. Amazing.
Best friends 4 days away from here. Love it.
Date tonight with an unlikely boy. Second chances are sometimes strange. Will I tell him that I spent junior prom crying in the bathroom over him? Ha. More than likely. I'm an open book, baby. Should be a fun / unusual night. Slash extremely comfortable.

*sigh* I feel so much better after this little entry. Its weird, but I really really do. I feel alot better.

Tyler. I miss you. Call me. Please. Or I'll cry. I swear I will. And you hate that. <3

And yes, Alessandro...I would like to see you perform the infamous outlaw once again. You can never have to o much outlaw. Ha.


Oh and John this rain thing that you've arranged with God and or Mother nature...is really not that funny. It was the first 10 days...but now...its just sickening and so incredibly ironic. So if we could cut that out that'd be great.
Feeling very: calmcalm
Lovin the: Radio.
01 October 2005 @ 12:26 pm
Rancid Big Mac tonight. Excited beyond belief for that. Ahh the joys of being scandalous. "She's a laid back, chill girl." Ha. Michelle seriously, we're amazing and I can't wait to put this devious plan into action.

I do what I want cause I'm the outlaw.

Times change fast. I thought maybe too fast, but now just fast enough. People come and go "but at the end of the night I take my pants off just like everyone else and you just realize that we're all the same at the end of the day."
I like that.

Our last goodbye screams for tears
I pull away you run farther
Holding on in agony, I scream goodbye
The ties are torn
Screams all hushed
Our last goodbye's a tragedy that you paid to watch.

"Do you even know you met me?"

__________It gets easier.____________

Reading that just made me feel blank. I don't know. Its weird. Its just weird how you can have such a connection with someone but then situations arise and then next thing you know, you're blank. I look in your eyes and theres no more life in them (for me) Theres no more inside jokes or loud cackles. Theres no more stories. Theres no more late nights or whispers. Theres no more promise for tomarrow. Theres no more life left in them for me to share. They're just blank.

County line tonight. Woohoo for that. And woohoo for me not picking up my phone and calling you. Woofreekinghoo. <3

***Question, why does the "determined" icon have an eye patch? Who comes up with this crap? So only pirates are determined? Well in that case...ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG!

I'm a much different/(pre-emptive ..better?) person than I was back then. And I suppose I owe that to a lot of different things, but I owe a lot of that to you. So thank you. The change was needed.
Feeling very: determineddetermined
Lovin the: Frank Sinatra
Its been in the english language for ages.
You learn the word early and you say it the rest of your life.
Everyone has their own way to say it and their own definition of what it means.
Its said on average once every 20 seconds around the world.
It makes me cry sometimes so I nly whisper it.
Other times I shout it in bliss.
It can be the end of something but its also the begining.
Sometimes its real, other times its a lie.
Its the hardest thing to say if you mean it and the easiest if you don't.
Its two syllables.
Its one word.
Each country has its own version of it.
People all over the world add their own physical movement to it to make it their own.
Its used in life and in death.
And right now I sit in my room and I say it outloud and I want to cry.
It means so much to some but so little to others, and lately its been nothing but heart breaking.

At the time it was the easiest word to say but now its the hardest word to swallow.

I just might choke.
Feeling very: calmcalm
Lovin the: Dashboard.